Blue Heaven (novel)

Blue Heaven (1988) is the first book by novelist Joe Keenan. It is a gay-themed comedy about four friends who get caught up in ill-fated attempt to scam a Mafia family by faking a marriage and absconding with the cash and gifts that the prospective in-laws will shower on the lucky couple.

Plot summary

Gilbert Selwyn and Moira Finch usually can't stand each other. They have only two things in common: an aversion to honest work, and wealthy stepfamilies. But they have a plan: they intend to get married. Gilbert recently went to his "fat cousin Steffy's wedding", where he realized that his normally tight-fisted stepfather's family became overwhelmingly generous for a family wedding; Moira's stepfather, the Duke of Dorsetshire, is likewise poised to shower the couple with cash, checks, and gifts worth tens of thousands of dollars. Gilbert estimates that he and Moira might clear $100,000 each by marrying, living together for a decent interval, and then divorcing.

But to make the plan work, Gilbert has to have a best man and someone who'll swear that his homosexuality was "just a phase." That someone is Philip Cavanaugh, the narrator of the story: Gilbert's best friend, former lover, and an aspiring songwriter. At first Phillip wants no part of the plan - having suffered the disastrous fallout of Gilbert's previous get-rich-quick schemes - but agrees as soon as Gilbert offers him a cut of the take, enough to afford a computer and some decent Scotch.

But there's a snag: Moira's mother, the Duchess, says on the phone that she doesn't have enough ready cash to pay for the wedding, so she asks Moira to pay for it from her trust fund. Only, Moira has already induced her banker, Winslow, to embezzle the funds, and blown her inheritance on several zany investment schemes. She quickly comes up with a new plan: convince Gilbert's stepfather, Tony Cellini, to pay for the wedding, with the "promise" that the Duchess will reimburse Moira for what "she" has spent from her trust fund - in effect, doubling the couple's take from the wedding.

Over lunch with Gilbert's perky but extremely naive mother, Maddie, Phillip becomes nervous at hearing about Tony's mysterious comings-and-goings, and the surprisingly high number of "accidental" deaths in his family. Phillip starts to suspect that Gilbert and Moira's future in-laws (and victims) are mafiosos. Both Gilbert and Moira find the notion preposterous, but Phillip cracks and confides all to his songwriting partner, the brainy Claire.

At the Cellini family's Christmas party, Claire needs only one quick look to confirm that Gilbert's in-laws are mafiosos, the patriarch of the clan being infamous gangster Freddy "the Pooch" Bombelli. She and Phillip pull Gilbert into a bathroom and acquant him with two hard facts: first, attempting to swindle mafiosos is stupid; and second, attempting to do so partnered with Moira is suicidal - she has already ingratiated herself with Gilbert's family far more successfully than he, and would throw him and Phillip to the wolves in a heartbeat if anything went wrong.

Everything seems to be going smoothly. That is, until Gunther Von Stiegel decides to ruin the wedding by revealing that Gilbert is gay, until Vulpina becomes enraged that she cannot design the wedding dress and colludes with Gunther to destroy Moira, until Gilbert suspects Moira of sleeping with Freddy Bombelli, and until the wedding arrives and the Duchess has to make an appearance.

Gilbert, Philip, Claire and Moira get caught up in Mafia politics, blackmail, transvestitism, funding a Broadway production, the cologne business, seduction and much more. Events come together at a wedding where bullets are as likely to be tossed as rice.

Characters

• Gilbert Selwyn, an over-sexed gay New Yorker and best friend of Philip Cavanaugh. Gilbert is perpetually poor, but constantly scheming to make a quick buck. Gilbert longs to be a writer, but sloth causes him to never put pen to paper.
• Philip Cavanaugh, the narrator of the story, is Gilbert's long-suffering best friend and fellow New Yorker. Once Gilbert's teenage boyfriend (until an unfortunate case of crabs, caught from one of Gilbert's many sugar daddies, broke them up), Philip is a struggling writer with only minimal talent. Reluctant to be part of Gilbert's schemes, he usually gives in because he longs for money, fame and "the good life."
• Claire Simmons, Philip's other (heterosexual) best friend. Claire is a struggling writer with a modicum of talent, a zaftig figure, and a deep loathing for Gilbert Selwyn. Claire is the most level-headed of Philip's friends, and usually gets him out of Gilbert-caused jams. Claire and Philip are constantly collaborating on the Next Big Novel or Play.
• Moira Finch, a fellow New Yorker and mooch. Moira has dreams of glory but no class (she once invested her entire trust fund in designer pasta). Although Gilbert, Philip and Claire hate Moira, they never quite seem able to avoid running into her and getting blackmailed into participating in her (often illegal) schemes.
• Vulpina, Moira's morose, painfully thin, Goth best friend and clothing designer.
• Gunther Von Steigle, an actor and Boris Karloff-lookalike with worse acne. He is Gilbert's sworn enemy, after Gilbert slept with (and then kicked out) Gunther's one true love.
• Madeleine Cellini, Gilbert's oft-widowed mother and newly married to New York City mafioso Tony Cellini. Maddie (as everyone calls her) is a little batty, and doesn't quite realize what her new husband does or where his money comes from.
• Tony Cellini, Gilbert's new stepfather. He's suspicious of Gilbert's oddly all-male bachelor lifestyle, and devoted to Maddie.
• Freddy Bombelli, the seemingly ancient head of Tony Cellini's Mafia family who has an eye for Moira...
• The Duchess of Dorsetshire, Moira Finch's mother. Raised in Pittsburgh, she married a British duke and moved to England. She sounds amazingly like Hermione Gingold. But she might not be who she says she is.
• Winslow Potts, the transvestite, drug-addicted, alcoholic banker who handles Moira Finch's trust fund. In fact, he "handled" it right over to her for all sorts of crazy schemes, and now oversees a bankrupt trust.